Mending the Broken Stars
by infinitefangirl
Summary: A continuation of the heart wrenching novel, The Fault In Our Stars, by the wonderful John Green. This Fanfiction will be posted by chapter.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Since Gus's death four months ago nothing is the same. Some might think that since we were only together three months, why not just move on? Get back to live as you knew it? Well the answer to that is simple. Gus and I didn't break up. He _died_. This wasn't a choice, or a decision. What we had was completely total and inevitable love and I believe we would have been together for a long time if life hadn't gotten in the way. Now no matter what I do, I imagine how much better it would be if Gus were here doing it with me. I'm okay. Maybe I'm not.

I'm lying on the couch in the TV room when I hear a knock on the door. "I'll get it!" my mother shouts from the kitchen. I crane my neck around the wall to see who it is, and I smile when I discover its Isaac. My mom exchanges a quick greeting with him, then guides him to where I lie on the murky brown couch that my parents have had since they bought their first apartment. "Hey Isaac." I say sitting up to leave room next to me. "Hey" For a few minutes we sit there in silence, listening to my mom bustle around in the kitchen. "Do you want to watch…listen to a movie?" I sense him tense beside me and immediately feel bad for making him feel like a minority. "Sorry." The corners of his mouth go up and I look at him quizzically. "It's fine. That's just what Gus would always say. Not let's watch a movie, but let's listen to a movie. Every time when the movie was over, he told me he closed his eyes because we were listening to a movie, not watching one." I laugh, and allow myself to remember that first day I ever saw Gus, when he asked me to watch, not listen, to a movie at his house. It was _V for Vendetta._ He said I reminded him of a millennial Natalie Portman. Although I'm really not pretty enough for that kind of comparison, I was flattered. I walk over to the movie cabinet and select the Matrix from our collection, remembering that it was Isaac's favorite movie. My mom brings us popcorn and I guide Isaac's hand into the bowl. "Isaac?" I say leaning my head against his shoulder. "What's up?" A single tear slides down my cheek. "I'm sorry about Gus." He puts his arm around me and we just sit there eating popcorn and listening to the movie(Me with my eyes closed) after a while he whispers. "Me too."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

During the movie, I feel asleep in Isaac's arms. I've been constantly exhausted lately; it's been hard to keep my eyes open. In some ways, I'm afraid. Afraid that I'm going to die, that all these little aches, and pains and fatigues are all leading up to the bigger picture. I mean, I know I'm going to die someday, someday in the near future. I've accepted the fact that I'm terminal, that I can't be cured, but sometimes I just wish I could go back, and I just think why me?, what did I do to deserve all this pain. It got worse after Gus left. Before him, I was that girl who had to drop out of school because of her terminal cancer that would kill her eventually. I was the girl who had to breathe through a freaking tube and carry around an oxygen tank. Everyone pitied me and thought of me not as who I am, what I liked, what I cared about, but as the girl who's dying. Then Gus came along. And I was still all those things, but Gus didn't think as me as dying. He thought I was beautiful, and smart, and he cared about my hobbies, my passions, my weird fetishes. He loved me for who I was. Not my cancer. I was finally understood. Now I'm back to that sad cancer girl, but now I get to tack on Gus dying to the end of the list.  
I sit up on the couch and smile apologetically at Isaac before remembering that he can't see me.  
"Sorry, you could have woken me up you know." He rearranges himself on the couch.  
"I wouldn't do that Hazel, you need sleep, and I can see it every day." I choke back a breath.  
"Yeah, I feel it." And in that moment I realize how truly alone Isaac will be when I'm gone. Not that I'm great company, but it was Gus and him, then I got added to the picture, then Gus got taken away and now… It's not something I like thinking about. "Hey Isaac" I say taking his hand in mine. "When I'm gone…" He looks at where he knows I'm sitting and shakes his head.  
"No Hazel, I can't think about that. You are all I've got." I nod and slide my hand out of his.

"Are you two ready to go?" My mom asked grabbing her bag, and keys. I nod and take Isaac's arm to guide him to the car. Over the past few months, I've memorized the drive to support group. Not just the street names, but also the surroundings. Like the dog shaped hedge we always pass three minutes after we leave the house. Or the community pool next to the dog salon. It's nice in a way, to have something consistent in my life, but it's still support group.

A month or two ago, mom started leading support group every other week, to help her with her career in social working, and today it's her turn.  
Once were all gathered downstairs in the literal heart of Jesus, mom begins with the regular introductions.  
"Hi, I'm Hazel, I'm sixteen. Thyroid with mets in my lungs, I'm…fine, I guess." I say to begin. Isaac goes next.  
"Isaac. I'm sixteen as well. I had a rare type of cancer in my eyes, but I had surgery and I'm NEC so that's good. How I am? Not great considering my health." I glance sadly towards Isaac and suddenly I miss his eyes. I miss the ways we used to exchange looks and sighs in the monotonous, repetitive circle group of survivors. I miss a lot.  
Next after Isaac, is a girl I don't recognize? She's fairly short, with chin length bobbed brown hair. She's pretty. She stands and tugs her shirt nervously.  
"Um, hi I'm Kate. I just turned seventeen a couple weeks ago. Skin which has since found its way into my liver. I'm okay at the moment." My mom is nodding and taking notes on her clipboard.  
"I'm glad to hear that Kate. We're very happy to have you here, and we wish you good health in the future." She smiles and sits back down.

And so the hour plays out. Songs are sung, stories recounted, battles being battled. Everyone once in a while I glance over at Kate and pretty much every time I see that she's looking at Isaac. I don't know if he can feel her eyes on him or whatever, but he's smiling.

"You know the new girl Kate?" I ask Isaac as me walk up the stairs to the parking lot.  
"What about her?" I laugh.  
"She was staring at you the whole time!" He smiles.  
"Well was she hot?" He asks.  
"She was very pretty yes. A brunette." We reach the car and I open the door for him.  
"Well" He says as I get in the front. "I'll have to hop on that wagon."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

When we got home my mom set out a plate of veggie pasta with salad in front of me. I ate the salad first, before the pasta. "So" my mom says sitting down with her own plate of food. "I saw that girl Kate looking at Isaac today. I think she likes him." I smile and take a sip of my water.  
"I noticed as well. Maybe I should try to get them together. Then if i…" I didn't need to say anything else, she understood.

Finishing up our dinner I grabbed An Imperial Affliction to the couch, and started reading it for the millionth time. After a while, my dad got home from work and kissed my mom before coming to greet me.  
"Hey honey! How was support group?" Looking up from my book I tell him about Isaac and Kate.  
"Honestly one of the best ones yet. You know I love love!" he gave me a smirk "Ya right!" I smiled and went back to the book while he ate dinner and talked with my mom. My phone started buzzing, I see Isaac on caller ID.  
"Hello?" I said upon picking up.  
"I'm going to ask for her number."  
"Are you?" I said playfully.  
"Yup, next week, and I'll ask her out and it will be good for me." He sounded excited.  
"Well I'm glad. You sound genuinely happy." I could practically hear him grinning.  
"I am, I don't have to be sad for ever, Hazel. And neither do you." And that was it. We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone.

I decide to lie down for a bit when I feel the headache coming on. I put in my ear buds and put _Hectic Glow_ on shuffle. Eventually I dose off, dreaming of Gus, calling out his name as it faded further and further from my lips, until it was gone. I dream that I'm being suffocated that I can't breathe, and I wake up in panic, and realize that I'm not dreaming. I'm struggling to catch a breath, even with the tank, my stomach is churning, my head is pounding, my vision fuzzy. _This is the end. _I think to myself, when my dad comes in and sees me. I hear my name being called; I feel myself being lifted up off the couch. Then nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

When I wake up my eyes are fuzzy, so I wake a minute for them to clear. The first thing I register is my mom, sitting next to me, squeezing my hand. She looks exhausted and I can tell she's been crying.  
"Oh sweetie! I'm so glad you're awake! We've missed you so much!" I manage a weak smile.  
"How long was I out?" I ask "A couple of days. You had to go on some pretty strong medicine to get your lungs working at least semi properly." I laugh, but it hurts so I make myself stop.  
"So my crap lungs came back from being even crappier lungs? Thanks guys." I mutter at my chest. IO see my mom smiling. I genuine smile, and it makes me smile too.  
"So, am I ok? What happened exactly that made my lungs go MIA?" My dad walks in then, holding two cups of coffee. He smiles when he sees I'm awake.  
"I' m glad you're awake honey." He said, sitting on my bed. My mom leans over and whispers something to my dad and he nods.  
"Well, last night when you stopped breathing, it was because your heart wasn't working hard enough, it wasn't pumping too well, so your lungs didn't have anything to work on. So when we got you here they spent a good thirty minutes getting your heart working better, but still it's way too slow. You're going to have to stay here for a while and when you go home, no more oxygen tank. It's back to Philip. You're lungs need way more oxygen than ever. "I nod.  
"So this is the last leg for me? Am I close to the end?" I look over and see that my dad is crying.  
"I don't want to lie to you, so I'm going to tell you up front. The doctors say, once we reach the point where the heart doesn't know how to function properly, there really is no going back. You still have time, but there is nothing else we can do to prolong that time." Now both my dad and mom are choking back sobs, trying to stay strong for me, and I realize that I'm crying too.  
"I really am dying. I'm not living with cancer anymore, I'm dying of it. I don't want to die." I break down and my mom comes and wraps her arms around me. I can't help but think back to when I got the phone call from Gus's mom, the feeling of defeat in my heart, my guts. Maybe this is ok, I'll be with Gus again, I won't be a burden on my parents anymore, and maybe this is right. After a few minutes, my sobs lessen, and a nurse comes in, and explains again what's going on. She gives me some ice chips, and makes my parents leave so I can rest. Sleep comes easily, and I don't dream. Maybe because my brain doesn't even have enough energy to imagine.

Looking up at my hospital room, I remember the last time I was stuck here, unconscious. When my parents told me Gus had been waiting to see me since I arrived. When I almost couldn't go to Amsterdam. Then I remember his letter. He had snuck into my room, and held my under oxygenated hand. He had even noticed that my nails were painting an almost black dark blue. I look at my nails and laugh, because they are painted the same colour. In his letter, he said that wished for one second that I would die, so that he wouldn't have to tell me that he was going to too. I wish I had died that day, but like Augustus said, that would mean we wouldn't have got to be together. We only had three months, but they were the best three months of my life.  
For a while, I just lie there, imagining Augustus back in this room, imagining what it would be like, if he were still here and I would have died first, and wondering what it would have been like if I had never been diagnosed with cancer.

"I talked to Patrick, and he said that since you can't leave the house anymore, that every second week-the ones that I run-we could hold support group at our house! Isn't it great!" I smile. Even though I have always hated support group, it's been something consistent in my life. Hearing other people talk about their cancer makes it easier for me to not feel sorry for myself.  
"Thanks mom, that's amazing, I really appreciate all you and dad do for me." She smiles and takes my hand in hers.  
Yesterday, my mom went home to get clothes and supplies since I have to stay here for a little under two weeks, and she brought me An Imperial Affliction. Even though my eyes are super sleepy, I push myself to read it as much as possible, it helps me escape reality for a little bit.  
She also brought some movie for the TV above my bed, so right now since I'm not feeling too great, I'm watching _The Little Mermaid_. I know its lame but Disney movies always help to cheer me up. The door knocks, and my mom gets up to answer. Isaac and his mom come in.  
"Hey Hazel." Isaac says waving. I pause the movie and turn off the TV.  
"Hey. Thanks for coming." His mom leads him to a chair next to me, and goes with my mom to the other side of the room to talk. I can't make out what they're saying exactly, but Isaac's mom has her hand over her mouth so I'm assuming it's about me.  
"So, how are you feeling? I mean, I know it sucks, and I know…What happened but…How are you feeling?" I take a shaky breath and subconsciously pick at the nail polish on my left thumb.  
"Honestly, I thought I would feel worse. I'm not complaining or anything, but ya, I'm just super tired all the time." He nods.  
"Isaac, I still have time but I need you to understand, that this is the last stretch of the marathon for me. I'm going. I'm _dying_ Isaac. Now you may not want to accept that but I am." He just keeps nodding, getting faster and faster, and then he runs his hands through him hair. His mom notices and kneels down next to him.  
"Honey? Are you alright?" Isaac clenches his teeth.  
"No! I'm definitely not alright! First Gus goes, and now this! I'm losing everyone I care about mom! I'm losing my best friends!" I stroke his fingers, tears running down my face.  
"You're going to be okay Isaac, I know it."  
"I'm sorry." He says, calming down.  
"That was super inconsiderate I know, I just, don't understand what any of us did to deserve these lives."  
"We didn't do anything." I say  
"Sometimes, the world gets an idea in its head, and does whatever it takes to make it happen, ever if it means giving kids cancer. But none of us ever would have met if it weren't for the cancer. Everything happens for a reason Isaac, and I wish it didn't have to be like this but the sooner we accept it the sooner we can start living our lives again. I don't know about you, but I want to die a happy girl, and that's not going to happen if I lie around wishing this on someone other than me. Okay?" he nods and his mom stands back up and joins my mom by the door.  
"We'll give you two some time." My mom says. And they leave shutting the door behind them.

"So, what did I miss at support group yesterday? Anything exciting?" he smirks at me.  
"I got Kate's number. When I asked her, I could tell she was doing everything she could not to jump up and down shrieking." I laugh.  
"Oh really? Well good for you big shot." He punches at me, and just graze's my arm." He swears under his breath.  
"Watch it buddy, you almost decapitated the lamp!" He laughs, and I start laughing too. Just for the sake of it. Then I turn the movie back on and we listen to it. After I while I doze off, and when I wake up, Isaac's gone. I turn to look at the clock on my bed side table, and see that he left me a note.

_Didn't want to wake you, but I'll come back soon. Call me if you need anything._

_ Hang in there, _

_ Isaac._


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

**Hazel**

I went home two weeks later after endless days of injections, and xrays, and feeling sick to my stomach, but the last three days I spent here were okay, so they told me I could leave. Now lying here in my bed attached to Philip, my oxygen machine that sounds like a dragon, the only difference form the hospital, is the smell, and the amount of people. Since I've been home the only thing I've been able to do is watch TV. I'm too tired to read, and my oxygen isn't portable anymore. Although the doctors said that after a while if I was doing okay, I could spend a few hours with the oxygen tank, a day. As long as I didn't tire myself out too much. During my time at the hospital, Isaac came to visit me pretty much every day, but then he got a cold and wasn't permitted to see me because my immune system was compromised. But now he lies next to me as we continue hour five of our ANTM marathon, and I can tell that even though he can't see he's doing all he can not to get up and leave. So I turn off the TV.  
"So Isaac, how was your date with Kate last night?" I ask him and poke him gently in the side.  
"It was great, we basically just hung out at home and watched movies and talked. She's a really great girl. Smart too." I smile  
"Well, at least one of us has a life." I say, only half kidding.  
"Hazel, you do have a life, and I'm not going to let you sit here, and spend the time you have left acting like your already gone." If he has eyes, they would be glaring at me for sure.  
"Sorry, it's just hard to be told that there's no need to fight anymore and now all that's left to do is sit around attached to a huge air machine doing nothing till you die. That's all I meant." That signified the end of the conversation, I guess because he didn't say anything until I turned the TV back on.  
"Kate is a really great girl Hazel, but having her won't make you dying any easier. I just wanted you to know that." I took his hand and squeezed as hard as my under oxygenated fingers would allow.  
"You're like the brother I never had. And I love you for it." I tell him.  
"Ya, well you're a pretty good sister, annoying too." He smirks and I pull my hand away.  
"Hey! Is that anyway to talk to a girl who's dying?" I ask accusingly.  
"Dying is a tragedy, not an excuse Hazel." He says.  
"I was kidding! Now let's just watch the show!"

**Isaac**

I hear a knock on my bedroom door.  
"Come in." I yell, turning off the TV.  
"Hey. I hope this isn't a bad time, your mom let me in." I smile and gesture for her to come sit next to me.  
"No it's fine, I always love seeing you." She laughs and leans her head on my shoulder.  
"Me too." She says linking her hand in mine.  
It's been two weeks since me and Kate started dating, and honestly I don't know what I ever saw in Monica (pun not intended). Kate intelligent and smart and funny, and one of the dorkiest people I've ever met, but all of those things make me love her so much more. To add to that, the survival rate, off her type of cancer is 90%, so I don't think she'll be Augustusing me anytime soon.  
I push her hair behind her ears, and I feel her hand on my cheek, then I feel her lips on mine. We sit there on my bed, lip locked, for what seems like hours, but when I pull away and look at the clock, I realize it's been less than five minutes. I smile.  
"You're amazing" I tell her taking her hand.  
"And you don't even know what I look like!" I laugh, and she does too. At first going blind wasn't something I could joke about, but know, I've just accepted that fact that I'll never be able to see again, and the jokes don't bother me, in fact I think they're hilarious.  
I lean my head forward and feel our lips collide again, and for a while, I forget about everything that has happened, and everything that hasn't happened yet, and enjoy myself.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Isaac walked into the door, and cursed under his breath. "I was sure that wasn't there thirty seconds ago." I laugh as he pushes it open and enters my room. My mom calls from the kitchen. "Do you want pasta?" I yell back that yes I want pasta and a few minutes later she comes in with a tray. "So I just got a call from the doctors, and they said that if you were feeling good that you could take a walk into the backyard!" I smile at her because I was feeling good, so soon enough I was hooked up to the oxygen tank and sitting next to Isaac where the swing set used to be. "I'm really happy to be out of that bed. The fresh air feels so good." I stretch out my arms for empathise. Isaac smiles. "I get it. I hate beds"  
"Said the totally normal teenager." He laughs.  
"Hazel, I don't have eyes in my head, and you spend your days attached to a huge machine pumping oxygen, tell me in what way could we ever be normal teens."  
"Well, in a few years, we'll be upgraded to abnormal adults. At least you will." He doesn't say anything, probably because he knows I'm right.  
"You know, I don't want to die, but the only thing keeping me from totally falling apart is the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a heaven, or something like it, where you can be reunited with your lost loved ones. Where I could continue my infinity with Gus." He smiles.  
"I hope that place does exist, and if it does I will be able to honestly say that I know you're in a better place, that you're with Gus."

After a while outside, my chest starts to hurt so I have to come back in and get reattached to Philip. Isaac and I are having fun making songs on Garage Band, when my mom comes in with Kate. Then I remember that support group is being held today. "Hey Kate!" I saw when she comes in. Over the weeks that Isaac and Kate have been dating have really come to like her.  
She walks over and sits with Isaac, gently brushing her lips on his. "Hey." He smiles.  
"Hi." I close my computer. "Ok, enough lovebirds. I'm really not a huge fan of PDA." They laugh then Kate turns towards me.  
"So, how are things doing?"  
"Great, I think. I got to spend some time outside today, which made me feel much better. But you know, I'm dying." She waves her hand in front of her face.  
"Don't even think about that." She says as if it's the easiest thing ever. I'm about to say something back, when the rest of support group walks into my bedroom, followed by my mom. My dad comes in with a few chairs from the kitchen, and everyone settles in around me.  
"Hello everyone! Thank you so much for coming today, you are always welcome here." My mom says to begin the meeting.  
"Alright, let's start again with introductions, and then we'll move on to talking about our cancer stories." And so yet again, we went around the circle and when It got to me I had to say that I wasn't doing good, that I was dying, and everyone got really quiet. After we finished, Kate started us off with her story.  
"Alright, well I was diagnosed when I was ten. For a couple of weeks, I was super tired and I was finding it hard to keep up with the others in gym, and in other sports like track and field, which I was very serious with. Eventually my coaches got mad, telling me I was slacking off, and honestly I didn't know what to tell them. Then one day at school, I collapsed, and I was rushed to the hospital where they told me I had cancer. After my first round of chemo, things were looking good. I wasn't as tired, or as nauseous and I generally just didn't feel as sick. But when they started me on my second round, things took a turn for the worst. I got really sick, because my liver wasn't working properly, and I wasn't been ridded of all my toxins, and then I started getting these awful rashes on my skin and I constantly had a fever. They told me I only had a couple of weeks, but then by miracle, I pulled through. They finished my chemo; I spent some time at home, then went back to school and graduated early. Since then I've had a couple of scares, but for now I'm okay."  
Isaac slowly reaches his hand out, trying to find Kate's. She grasps it and I smile, remembering all the beautiful romantic moments I spent with Augustus. I push away the thought, and turn my attention back to support group.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

**Hazel**

I was admitted into the hospital last night with stomach pains. Isaac got here this morning, but I've been kind of sleepy because of the new meds I'm on. Right now were just listening to Hectic Glow while we wait for my mom to come back with lunch. Isaac's phone rings and he walks over to the bathroom guiding the way with his stick thingy. My mom comes back holding a tray of gross hospital food for me to eat.  
"Alright. Today we have chicken noodle soup and fresh strawberries." I take the tray from her.  
"I highly doubt these strawberries are fresh." I saw, popping one in my mouth.  
"Just be thankful you're healthy enough to eat anything." My mom says taking my hand."  
"Where's Isaac?"  
"He got a phone call; he's just in the bathroom." I say gobbling down my water.  
"Alright. Is it okay if I watch some TV?" my mom asks taking the remote.  
"Sure." I say. We settle on a rerun episode of _The Vampire Diaries_, my mom making faces of disgust every few seconds.

**Isaac**

I guide myself into the bathroom to answer my phone. I hear the door open then the faint sound of Hazel talking to her mom.  
"Hello?" I hear sobbing at the other end of the line.  
"Kate? Kate are you okay? What's wrong?" My heart hammers in my chest. Oh god, what if she's had a relapse? I can't lose her too.  
"Kate, honey, please talk to me!" Hers sobs lessen.  
"Isaac…I don't know how to say this."  
"I can handle it Kate, just tell me what's wrong." I hear her take a deep breath.  
"I'm pregnant." I almost drop my phone. I swear my heart stopped beating.  
"Kate…I…That can't…" She's crying again.  
"Remember a few weeks ago, when Hazel first went into the hospital, and you came to me house crying, and one thing led to another and then…" My head is spinning. This can't be happening.  
"Kate…Have you told your parents? " I ask, my voice shaking.  
"No, but they'll find out soon enough when I go in for my next doctor's appointment."  
"Kate, I know it will be hard, but you have to tell them. They'll be madder if they find out some other way, then if they hear it from you."  
"I'll try but that's all I can promise." I nod to myself.  
"Do you want me to come over?"  
"No that's okay, stay with Hazel; I'll just wait for my parents to get home."  
"Okay." There's silence on her end of the phone.  
"Kate?"  
"Ya?" She says sniffling.

"I love you."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:

**Hazel**

After a few minutes, Isaac comes back and joins me and my mother.  
"Who was that?" I ask him.  
"Um…It was Kate." His voice is sad, distressed, I can tell my mom noticed too.  
"Mom, can you give us a minute alone please?" I ask tilting my head towards Isaac. She nods and heads towards the door.  
"Are you ok? What's going on." He sighs and puts his head in his hands.  
"Kate…She's…Pregnant." I just stare at him and eventually he takes his head out of his hands.  
"Say something, please." He says.  
"You didn't tell me you…"  
"I didn't think I needed to."  
"Well…What are you going to do?" I ask him while fiddling with the nubbins in my nose. "Kate is going to tell her parents today, but honestly I have no idea."  
"How far along is she?" I ask taking his hand.  
"About three weeks I think." For a while we sit there in silence. I wonder if I could survive nine months and meet Isaac's baby. Probably not at this rate. Some tears find their way out of my eyes and down my face.  
"I'm going to miss so much. You growing up, my parents growing old, and now meeting and knowing your child. There is just so much I'm going to miss because of my stupid cancer." I just start crying and Isaac finds his way onto my bed next to me and hugs me.  
"It's going to be ok Hazel, it all is. We just have to be strong and not give up." I nod, and my mom comes back in looking concerned. I give her thumbs up and she takes back her seat next to me, slowly stroking circles along the back of my hand.

**Kate  
**I take my computer out into the kitchen and wait for my parents to get home from work. I have no idea how I'm going to tell them, but Isaac is right. They will find out sooner than later, and it will be better if they hear it from me.  
I hear the faint sound of the car pulling in, and a few seconds later, my mom comes in, followed by my dad. She looks up at me.  
"Oh, honey. Have you been crying? What's wrong?" She sits down in the chair opposite me and my dad takes the one in between us. I start crying all over again.  
"I need to tell you something, but it's really hard and I don't know what to say."  
"You know you can always tell us anything right?" My mom says, reaching for my hand. I grasp her and wipe my face with my other hand.  
"You're going to hate me; you're going to be really mad." I say between sobs.  
**"**Honey, we could never hate you, just tell us what's going on." I take a deep breath. I've just got to tell them. Like ripping off a band aid.  
"Well…I'm pregnant." I break down into more sobs and I feel my hand mom slowly retract from mine. I look up and I see she had her face in her hand. My dad had his arm around her.  
"How did this happen?" My dad asks trying to keep his voice calm.  
"It was that Isaac kid wasn't it? The blind one?" I nod slowly. I can tell he's doing everything he can not to lose it on me.  
"Sweetie, what were you thinking?" My mom asks me. She's crying now too.  
"I wasn't! I wasn't thinking mom! You think I want this? I can't be a mom, I'm only seventeen!" My mom comes around and pulls me into her arms.  
"Were not happy with you Kate, but there's nothing we can do to change this now, so we might as well accept it and deal with it. Have you told Isaac?" I nod  
"Ok, so we've got to get together. Us and him and his parents. Okay? Now go wash your face, we can talk more later. I can tell it's been a long day; I'm going to make dinner." I get up and go down the hall to the bathroom. I can hear the faint murmurs of my parents voices.

Back in my room I check my phone. There are two text messages from Isaac:

How did it go?

Are you okay?

I type back that it went better than I expected, and that my parents want to meet with him and his parents. Then I just lie in my bed until I hear my mom call for dinner.****


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

**Hazel**

I lie in my bed, looking up at the stars on my ceiling. It's just past three in the morning, and I just got to bed. You see earlier, even though I was aggressively unhungry, my mother made me eat something, and so I spent the last few hours puking and feeling downright horrible. I guess my mom isn't going to make me eat anymore.  
Through the walls, I can hear my mom and dad talking. My mom crying quietly and my father trying to comfort her. But I mean, there isn't really comfort to be found in all this, I don't think you ever recover from losing a child. I know I wouldn't.  
Eventually, exhaustion takes over, and I fall into a dreamless sleep.

The next morning I wake up at around noon, take my meds, nibble on some crackers, watch ANTM and attempt to read for a bit. And so continues the infinite routine of dying of cancer.

**Isaac**

Kate sits next to me, holding an icepack to my shoulder while we watch some random movie that was on TV. Earlier this morning, I missed my footing on my staircase and took a rather hard fall. Kate rushed over to my house freaking out and I assured her I was okay, but she's still hovering over me.  
"Are you sure you're okay?" She asks, brushing my hair off my forehead.  
"Sweetie, I'm fine." I take her hand and she leans in to kiss me.  
"I love you" She says, grasping my hair in her hands. We kiss for a while then she leans her head against my shoulder, and takes my hand.  
"I love you too. And I love our son or daughter." She pulls my hand down onto her stomach…I think.  
"You know, I really can't imagine being a mom." She says and laughs, as if it's as simple as playing dolls.  
"So how did the first doctor's appointment go?" I ask, drawing lazy circles on her bare stomach with my finger.  
"It was boring. They basically just ask me a bunch of questions and gave me a bunch of new meds to take." I nod  
"Have you thought about names?" I ask her.  
"Not really, you?" She says, ruffling my hair.  
"Nope, I always thought that naming your baby shouldn't be a planned thing. You should look at them right after they're born, and the first name that comes to mind, becomes they're name." She grasps my fingers  
"I like that idea. Just please don't think of a horrible name!" We laugh and put our attention back to the movie.

**Hazel's mom**

I sit in Dr. Maria's office, waiting for her to come in and talk to me. Last night she called me and told me to come in today without Hazel, so here I am.

"Hello Mrs. Lancaster." She says sitting across the desk from me.  
"Good to see you" I say shaking her hand.  
"Alright well I'm afraid we have some serious business to talk about today." I swallow, suddenly terrified of what she's going to tell me.  
"We got some of the PET scans and MRI's back and there is tumor growth, and spreading." I cover my hand with my mouth, unable to speak.  
"I've very very sorry, the Phalanxifor isn't doing its job anymore, and I'm afraid there is just nothing we can do but wait." She sighs and claps her hands in front of her.  
"Do you know how long she has?" I manage to ask.  
"Well, it's hard to say, but I'd say no more than six months. I'm so sorry." I nod, thank her and then retreat back to the car, the feeling of ultimate defeat in my gut.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

**Hazel**

A couple of weeks later, some cousins and aunts and uncles fly in from New York to see us for a couple of days. I'm in my room reading when my mom gets home with them. They all come in to hug me, and my aunt cries and my older cousin Sarah does too, and then I kind of update them on my health and life and everything and then my mom makes them leave so she can give me my medication.  
"Why did they have to come here?" I ask swallowing the eight pills I have to take four times a day, five on bad days.  
"Because they love you and they want to see you." She says handing me water.  
"Because I'm dying" I say matter-of-factly. She doesn't say anything and I can tell she doesn't have anything to say.  
"I hate been smothered." She smiles.  
"Dinner in half an hour" she says, and then she leaves me alone again.

My mother made vegetarian lasagna for dinner, one of my favorites, but I was feeling rather nauseous so I didn't eat much. My family is trying their best to make small talk with me, but I don't make it easy. It went kind of like this:

Aunt Josie: So Hazel, have you been reading any great books lately?

Me: I haven't really had the energy to read…but when I do I just re read the same book over and over again.

Aunt Josie: That's nice! What book would that be?

Me: An Imperial Affliction

And then I really didn't want to talk about it because it wasn't aunt Josie's book, it was mine and Gus's, so I didn't say anything else, and she started talking to my parents about this and that and I just sat there picking at my food when my phone rang. I stand to get it but my mom stops me.  
"It's dinner time Hazel, sit back down."  
"But it could be important!"  
"Whatever it is you can find out after dinner!" I sit back down, and I get asked more questions I don't want to answer and finally everyone finishes and my mother allows me to check my phone. There are six missed calls from Isaac, so I go into my room to call him back.  
"Hey, what's up?" I said after a few rings.  
"It's Kate, something's wrong, she in the ICU."  
"Wait what? What happened?"  
"She started coughing up blood at dinner then she turned a concerning shade of yellow and passed out, her parents rushed her to emergency." I put my hand over the mouth.  
"Oh god, is the baby…"  
"I don't know" he says, interrupting me.  
"They won't let me in, immediate family only, so…I don't know anything." I sigh.  
"I'm so sorry Isaac, I really wish I could come down there and be with you, I really do, I'm so sorry."  
"It's okay, Hazel, It's not your fault. I'll let you know if I hear anything." I say goodbye then hang up.

I tell my mom about Kate and she says she wished we could go be there for them and I say I do to, and then I really start hating my cancer ruined body and my illness and the world and everything, and my mom tells everyone I'm tired and that I need sleep, so I just sit in my bed and watch videos on my laptop for a while. My neck starts to hurt so I take some meds for the pain and they make me sleepy so I decide to turn off the light, but even with the meds, I can't will my body to fall asleep. So I just lay there and the next morning I get sick, and my parents want to take to the hospital but I tell them I'm okay. Isaac called and told me that Kate was still unconscious but there was no news on her health.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

** Isaac**

After a few days, Kate woke up. It turns out that her body was using all of its energy to feed and help grow the baby, and wasn't keeping enough for her, so she went into a coma. She's okay now, so is the baby. I call Hazel, and she sounds super relived that all is well but I can't help notice the pain and weakness in her voice. I'm going to be honest here. It sounded like she wanted to give up.

"Hey" I say when I go back into Kate's room, gently kissing her on the four head.  
"So it looks like everything is okay, I just need to get my energy back." I smile.  
"So tell me again, how many months are you? I'm sorry I'm blanking."  
"That's okay, and five. It's been five months." She reaches out and takes my hand. I can't believe it's already been five months. That means it's been nine months since we lost Gus. It still hurts like hell to think about him.  
"What are you thinking about?" She asks, her voice concerned.  
"Just…Nothing, I'm okay."  
"Okay, I love you."  
"And I you" I say and she laughs. God I love her laugh.

**Hazel**

Everything hurts, my lungs hurt, my stomach hurts, it hurts to talk and move, it just hurts. I now I'm sounding super weak and annoying, but the reality is I'm dying, and I'm dying quickly. I think of Gus, and how he believed in a capital-S Something, and how I hope that he was right, and that when I go, I'll meet him capital-S Somewhere, and we can be happy. Without tubes, or oxygen machines, or fear of dying…I guess having died..? I don't know, I'm not making much sense anymore.

"Hey sweetie. How are you doing?" My mom asks me.  
"Everything hurts!" I complain. She pulls the hair back from my face and holds back her tears.  
"Oh honey, I know. I hate to see you like this. All me and your father ever wanted was for you to be healthy, it's the worst feeling you know, watching your kid suffer." I snort.  
"Are you sure it's the worst feeling?" She laughs.  
"Second worse." I smile.  
"Mom…You have to promise me that…You'll read Augustus's eulogy at my funeral." I reach over to my nightstand, and grab the letter to give to her.  
"Promise me. Please." She sighs.  
"Okay, I promise. But you know it's going to be very difficult for me."  
"Mom, you can handle it." She nods.  
"Oh! Speaking of Gus, his parents wanted to see you so they're going to come by later." I sigh.  
"Okay, I guess." She smiles and leaves me alone again.

"Hazel, honey. It's so so good to see you!" Gus's mom and dad come rushing into my room to give me hugs and kiss me on the cheek.  
"We really have missed you Hazel, you know we used to have you around every day, and now…Well, you remind us of him, you brought out the best in him." Looking at them, I wonder if they realize that it's been nine months, that they haven't seen me with him for nine months. But maybe when you lose a child, the pain never goes away, every morning it just hits you again and again. Losing the love of my life was a ten; I'm guessing they call it an eleven.  
Suddenly I just burst into tears. Mrs. Waters come to my side and hold me close. She calls out for my mom, who is in the kitchen preparing dinner. She runs in, and wipes tears from my eyes.  
"Honey, talk to me. Are you okay?" I stop crying for a minute and just stare at her.  
"Okay?" I say hysterical. "Am I okay? No I'm not. I'm dying, I am going to die. I no longer am going to get to live, and create memories or have fun or live life like a normal seventeen year old should, and in my last days, I can't even have Gus here, holding me, loving me and making things better. And yes I know there are people who have it worse but this is pretty damn screwed up don't you think?" They just sit there in stunned silence.  
"I'm…I'm sorry." I say, embarrassed by my outburst.  
"Honey, there is nothing to be sorry about. We get it, everyone gets it. No one expects you to be happy or grateful for your life, but you still have things to be grateful for. Be grateful for you family, and for your friends, and for the time you got with my Gus. Be grateful for the seventeen years you got, and are getting. Hold on to all of that, and when you leave us. You can leave happy." Gus's mom says, tears streaming down her tired looking face.  
"You're right. Thank you." I hug them, and my mom politely makes them leave."  
"I love you so, so much." My mom says after were alone.  
"I hug her and then she brings me a sandwich, which surprisingly, I manage to keep down. Then I go to bed, thinking about everything Mrs. Waters said, mostly everything she said about Gus.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

**Hazel**

I don't know how it happened, but it did. Days passed, I slept a lot, took my meds, ate as much as I could, and I got better. Well as better as you can get with terminal cancer. My mom made an appointment with Doctor Maria and she told us that my vitals are up, and that I'm okay to be of the BiPap for a bit, at least while I have the chance. So when I got home mom gave me permission to drive over to Isaacs house as long as I was back in an hour and I called her at least once while I was there.(I wasn't about to complain, I'm more free than I've been in weeks.)

Isaac's mom opened the door.  
"Hazel?! I'm so glad to see you! I though, I thought…" I nod  
"I know, somehow I pulled through; I don't know something happened and my doctor said I could leave the house for short periods of time."  
"That's fantastic!" She hugs me then sends me to Isaac's bedroom. The minute I walk in Kate runs up to me and hugs me so hard I drop my tank. I laugh.  
"Hazel I can't believe you're here! You're okay now?" I smile at her, and then Isaac gets up and feels around then finally finds me and gives me a hug.  
"I don't really know what happened exactly, but I guess I have a bit more time." We go sit on his bed, him and Kate are hand in hand.  
'We were just watching a movie, but we can turn it off if you want." I shake my head.  
"No no that's okay; I'd love to watch it with you. What movie?"  
"V for Vendetta." She says. My heart leaps to my throat.  
"Oh…I…Um…" She takes my hand.  
"Are you okay?" She asks me.  
"Ya…It's just…The first time I met Augustus, he told me I looked like a millennial Natalie Portman then we watched V for Vendetta together, but it's…okay…I'm okay." She takes the remote and turns off the TV.  
"No, it's not okay, I'm really sorry I didn't know."  
"It's okay." I say and force a smile. I really didn't want to sit there anymore so I told them I had a headache and that I should probably get some to check my oxygen levels. They smile sadly at me then let me go after a final hug.

"I'm back!" I yell when I walk through the front door of my house.  
"That was fast" My mom says coming into the front room to greet me.  
"They were…I just wanted to come home." I say while hanging my coat in the closet.  
"Okay…Are you alright?" I smile and nod.  
"I just kind of want to go read for a bit." She nods then comes with me to my room to attach my back up to the biPap. When she leaves, I pull out my laptop and look through all the photos of my and Gus, tears silently flowing down my cheeks and onto my t-shirt. Then after a while, I call his phone, and when it goes to voice mail, I leave a message: "Hi Augustus. It's been a while. I just wanted…Needed to tell you that the amount of my love towards you hasn't and will never change and that each and every moment, I ache for you. I want you back with me so badly it hurts. When I was dying, before I made my miraculous recovery, I was sad of course, because no one really wants to die, I mean not really. But part of me was happy, because I would be with you again, and even if I wasn't with you, I wouldn't have to ache for you anymore, I wouldn't have to suffer through the days. I'm going to die someday soon, so please don't hate me for what I'm going to do. I just can't do this anymore.

See you soon.

I hang up my phone then I call my mom to tell me I want to go to bed. She comes and kisses me on the forehead, makes sure the BiPap is working properly then turns out my light. I wait a little while then I turn on the lamp beside my bed, and adjust the oxygen levels on the BiPap. My lungs burn as I drift away from human consciousness.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

**Hazel**

I hear my father's screams and my mother rushing into my bedroom. "Something's wrong with the BiPap, she's not getting oxygen!" I breathe in and hear a strangled shudder then I get a mask pressed to my face. There are sirens outside; my mom is rushing in with like ten paramedics. "HELP HER!" she screams. I drop my head back and sigh. The paramedics lift me up onto a stretcher and I'm rushed outside into one of the waiting ambulances, the paramedics and my parents screaming at each other, other paramedics reassuring the neighbours who have formed a tight circle around us. My parents get into the back of the ambulance beside me and off we go to the hospital. All I can think is that it didn't work. I just signed myself up for even more pain and suffering. I turn my head to the side as much as I can and I see my mother crying into my father's shoulder.  
"It's my fault! I was sure I checked it! I don't know what happened." My father is patting her back.  
"No, honey it's not your fault. We just have to hope they can get her stable." Great, now they're blaming themselves for what I did. God it was selfish. I don't know why I did it anymore.  
"Mom" I try to say but all I hear is a rasp followed by a tremendous chorus of coughing.  
"Sweetie, don't try to talk. It's going to be okay. I'm so sorry sweetie." She takes my hand  
"No mom…It wasn't." More coughing. One of the paramedics yells that my pressure is dropping, then I get stuck with a needle and I'm gone.

**Isaac**

My mom comes into my room and wakes me up. I ask her what time it is, she tells me it's just after five.  
"What's going on?" I ask, still sleepy.  
"I just got a call from Hazel's mom." I shake my head. I wish I could see her expression.  
"She's not dead Isaac, but something went wrong with her BiPap, and it wasn't giving her oxygen. If her dad hadn't come home late from work, than we would have lost her."  
"So is she okay now?" I ask, my voice quivering.  
"Well, we don't know yet, she's unconscious, they nearly had to put her on life support because they thought she had gone brain dead, but she's struggling along okay." I nod.  
"Can we go see her?"  
"It's just family right now sweetie but they said they'd call when she can have visitors." I nod then tell her I want to call Kate and she leaves the room.  
When she picks up I tell her everything my mom just told me, she curses and I hear the sounds of her getting out of bed.  
"Kate, it's just family now. We can't see her." She sighs.  
"Okay, well when can we?"  
"I don't know yet."  
"Okay, well can I come over?"  
"Of course you can."  
"Okay see you soon. I love you."  
"Love you too."

She gets to my house at around six and we eat breakfast then we watch good morning America at Kate's request.  
"You know what's ridiculous?" I ask her  
"What?" She asks dubiously.  
"I don't know what you look like. I have no clue, I just don't know! It's crazy." She laughs.  
"It's not that crazy. I assure you I'm very attractive." Now it's my turn to laugh.  
"I don't doubt that. I mean I'm blind, but I'm not that blind."  
"I know. Who knows maybe one day…?" I cut her off.  
"Never mind. Let's just watch the show. So we do. Well I don't, I listen to it.

**Hazel **

Over the years I've really come to hate the sound of heart monitors. Honestly, it's all like _beep, beep, beep_, just tempting you to die so that you won't have to listen to the endless agony of the _beep, beep,_ _beep_ anymore. God I hate that. My dad notices I'm awake and calls for a nurse.  
"Hey sweetie!" He smiles and takes my hand.  
"Hey dad." My voice is hoarse; I can barely make it out.  
"It's okay sweetie, you don't have to say anything." Just then my mom comes into the room with coffee and a young looking nurse I'd never seen before. My mom comes to greet me and gives me the biggest hug ever, then my nurse checks out my IV and the like.  
"Alight!" She says turning towards me and my family. "We need to talk about what happened last night, but first I'll outline exactly what's going on." I nod "So basically one of your lungs collapsed, we got it back up but they are still really struggling, and you won't be able to leave for a few weeks because you need the breathing assistance that only the hospital can provide. Other than that, there's no tumor growth or edema build up, but we may not be able to bring your lungs back to how they were before." My mom squeezes my hand.  
"So, do you think she'll have less time? I mean what can we expect in the next months?" my mom asks nervously.  
"Well right now there's no telling how long she has, we'll just have to play it by ear. That's the thing about terminal cancer, you live in uncertainness." My parents nod solemnly.  
"Alright." My dad begins. "Last night, was that something we did, or was it the BiPap?" he asks and my heart jolts against my chest."  
"There have been cases in the past where the BiPap…"  
"Stop." I croak. They all turn towards me. "It was me. Mom, after you left my room last night, I turned down the oxygen levels on the BiPap." My dad starts crying. My mom clamps her hand to her mouth, my nurse is just speechless.  
"Honey…Why would you do that? I don't understand! You were doing so well!" I nod.  
"Exactly mom! I didn't want to be doing well. I wanted to be dying; I just wanted all of this suffering to end! I wanted to stop thinking about my illness and about Gus and to stop being reminded every day of how much the universe hates me! I just wanted it to be over." Both my parents are crying now. My nurse whispers something to my mom and she nods and then the nurse leaves the room. I'm hysterical. I'm sobbing, I can't control this anymore. I'm just so tired. Someone else comes into the room and introduces himself to my parents then he sticks a needle into my arm that makes the hysteria stop.  
"Hazel. My name Is Dr. Matthews. I'm the leading psych physician at this hospital." He jots something onto his clip board.  
"I think we need to have a talk." I nod and he sits across from me and starts asking me a bunch of questions.

**Isaac**

My mom comes into my room to talk to me and Kate.  
"What is it? Is she okay?" I say grasping Kate's hand.  
"She's…Okay. But her parents called and told me what happened last night. It's very difficult for me to. Um."  
"Mom." I say.  
"Hazel, she attempted suicide. She turned down the oxygen levels. I guess it all just became too much for her, she wasn't thinking." She starts crying. My mouth just hangs open, I can feel Kate's grip tighten around my fingers.  
"Why would she?"  
"I don't know Isaac. Her mom said she'll be able to have visitors tomorrow. Maybe you can get her to talk to her, but that's all we know for now." Then she leaves, closing my bedroom door behind her. Kate's head falls against my shoulder. I move my hand onto her pregnant belly.  
"It'll be okay" I say, and she leans over and kisses me. Gently, then harder.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

**Hazel**

"Hey Guys!" I say when I see Isaac and Kate come into my room at the hospital. Kate guides Isaac to my bedside.  
"Hey! How are you doing?" Isaac asks searching for my hand. I grasp his.  
"I'm good. I mean I don't feel all that great, but I mean, I guess you know what happened." They sigh and sit down in the two plastic chairs beside my bed.  
"Hazel, why did you do it? We almost lost you; I don't know what we would have done, what…" I stop Kate mid-sentence.  
"You're going to have to deal with it eventually though, very soon. I know it was stupid and I shouldn't have done it, but I just I felt so lost. I still do. I mean what am I supposed to do, to feel? I'm dying. I can't do anything without getting overly tired, it's hard to eat and drink and stay awake for periods of time. I just didn't know what difference it would make if I just went before I had to suffer. Anyways, it was selfish." I shake my head slowly.  
"That's all true, and honestly I don't know what to say, because there really isn't anything to say. You're dying, you're going to die and we all have to accept it and live with it, and that includes you Hazel. I know it's hard and I know you want to give up, but you'll know when the time is right. And that isn't now. Okay?" I nod and squeeze his hand and he leans back in his seat.  
"So can we talk about something else now?" I glance over at Kate's belly. "How long until the baby is born?" I ask  
"I'm due in two months." She says happily, taking Isaac's hand and stroking his fingers.  
"Wow, that's exciting!" I say smiling. "So are you going to keep it?" I ask. They look at each other briefly.  
"Yes, I think so. My mom is super excited about it; I think she thinks this baby is basically her kid or something." She laughs and I do too.  
"Well I can't wait to see it."  
"Her." Kate says. "The baby is a girl."  
"That's amazing. Well then I can't wait to meet her." They smile at me and then I start to get super tired so they leave and I take a nap.

When I wake up mom is back.  
"Did you sleep well?" She asks me.  
"Yup, Kate and Isaac came while you were gone."  
"I know, I say them in the hallway. How long into Kate has her baby?"  
"About two months. It's a girl, they told me today." My mother smiles.  
"I remember the day you were born. How happy me and your father were." She stops and looks away for a second.  
"Mom." I say reaching out and touching her arm.  
"It's just; I'm just really going to miss you." She chokes on the last work and my gut wrenches.  
"Mom, you're going to be okay, you're all going to be okay. You'll be there for each other and I'll be looking down on you from heaven, or somewhere." She smiles.  
"I've just, I've seen what's happened to Gus's parents, and I just I don't want to be broken. It's just so unfair. You're only seventeen years old. You're such a bright, beautiful, funny, kind girl and I just can't imagine waking up each morning without you." I start crying as I imagine my parents at my funeral and on my birthdays and death days.  
"Mom, I love you more than anything in the world, and I'm going to miss you so much and I know it sucks but the world is not a wish granting factory. You and dad just have to be together and remember that I don't want you to be sad. I want you to live the life you weren't able to because of my cancer. And I don't want you to turn into miserable alcoholics or anything. Okay? Can you try and do that for me?" She nods and comes down to hug me.

My life is So. Freaking. Depressing


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 14

Hazel

And so days passed, endless days of pain and exhaustion. Most days Isaac and Kate would visit, but they had a lot to do in preparation for the baby, so a lot of days, I was alone to watch TV and stare aimlessly at walls. My parents tried to help, but really there is nothing they could do to ease the suffering. They told me I had three months left at most, when they finally got up the courage to give me the talk. The talk? You may ask. Well basically, when you're dying at some point your parents have to sit down with you, and even though you already know what's happening they tell you the reality of your disease, and of the future that holds no future. And I listened, with one ear while wondering what I could do in three months, when I can't get out of bed and eating is a challenge and I'm constantly aching and tired? What good is three months? I mean what's the worth of three un-months? So I just sat, with my IV and took my meds and watched TV and lived me painfully toxic life, in the only way I knew how.

But there was this one day, one really good day. I woke up feeling not so hopeless, feeling that even though I was dying I could still live. So I called Isaac and Kate, and they came over. I was still feeling pretty good; I wasn't nauseous, and I wasn't very tired, so my parents decided it would be okay to wheel me outside for a bit. My dad pushed me to a spot under a big oak tree in my backyard and my mother put down a blanket and Kate and Isaac settled in together and my mom and dad sat down with me. We all sat on that blanket in the backyard all afternoon playing board games, and telling funny stories and jokes and eating sandwiches and it was really a lot of fun. When it got a bit cooler out we went back inside and me and Isaac and Kate hung out in my room while my parents made dinner for us, Isaacs's parents, and Kate's parents. Isaac, Kate and I were gathered on my bed and Isaac asked me out of nowhere: "If you were planning your funeral, what would it look like?" I hesitate and Kate looks over at Isaac angrily.  
"Um, I don't know. I wouldn't want people to cry too much, and I wouldn't want a priest who spits out buckets of bullshit, and I'd want all my speakers to speak honestly, no crap about how inspiring and amazing I was, because I'm not. I'd just want the truth." He nods.  
"Well, if you want me to speak at your funeral, I promise you, I won't bullshit the audience. I'll tell them that you were a beautiful girl who made a lot of people happy and loved deeply and appreciated." I smile.  
"Thank you. What about you Kate?"  
"Oh I'm with you one-hundred percent! That's the thing I hate most about funerals. The too-late, untruthful, undeserving lamentation of the dead. So ya, I'll be honest."  
"Awesome, maybe throw in some jokes every now and then to keep people somewhat happy." They laugh.

At dinner, us kids stay fairly quiet while the parents laugh and nod and exchange stories about our cancer, and stories not about our cancer, but they don't talk about my dying, which is awesome although that's probably just because I'm in the room. For dinner, my parents prepared an amazing vegetarian pasta sauce with a home-dressed salad. I don't eat too much, and my parents try to make me eat more but I just shake my head. Despite my good mood, I'm still sick which means it's kind of hard to keep food now, especially big meals. Under the table, Isaac and Kate are holding hands, and quietly exchanging looks and smiles, I cross my legs under me, thinking about Augustus and that I genuinely hope that his capital-S somewhere does exist and I'll be able to rejoin him there in a little while. I snap back to attention when someone says my name.  
"What?" I ask, slightly dazed.  
"I just was wondering if you wanted to go rest, you look like your falling asleep." My mom says, looking concerned.  
"No I'm fine, I was just thinking."  
"Okay, well just tell me if you need to be excused." I nod, slightly embarrassed.  
"This pasta was just amazing; you'll have to give me the recipe!" Kate's mom says, and Isaac parents nod their head vigorously, and dive into a conversation I did not want to join about various foods and restaurants and such.  
After dinner, my mother decides that I've had enough, and Kate and Isaac, joined by their families thank us, and go back home. I lie in my bed with my laptop, watching videos until I get super tired, and my mom and dad come in to tuck my under my covers.  
"So today was a good day, huh?" My mom asks me.  
"Ya, it was great." She smiles and my dad kisses me on the forehead and they leave me to sleep. 


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

**Hazel**

Unfortunately, things just went down from there. When I went to my next MRI, I discovered that the cancer had spread. When you're young, you always imagine what you're going to do in the future. You're job, if you'll have kids, or a husband, that's just what we do. But no one ever thinks, that they'll only make it to seventeen, no one thinks that they won't have a future, but death is staring me in the face, there's nothing more anyone can do.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" my mom asks me. Her face is puffy as we drive back from the hospital. She's been crying. I can't really imagine my parents without me, I guess when you're a parent, you imagine a future for your kids, but like us, they never think that their kid will bite it at seventeen. The world is not a wish-granting factory I suppose.  
"I'm fine mom." I say, leaning my head against the car window. I don't cry, I'm all cried out at this point.  
"Sweetie I…"  
"Mom, don't. Just don't." She nods and we spend the rest of the ride home in silence.

That night I can't fall asleep, so I lay awake and watch the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, and think about all I've done in the time I've had.  
Eventually, my father comes home from my work and I hear my mom telling my dad about our hospital trip:  
Mom: Everywhere Michael, its spread all over her body. I can't lose her, she's my baby, she doesn't deserve this, and no one does. It's so goddamed unfair.  
Dad: Honey, I can't imagine how hard this will be either, but we have to be strong for her, we have to-"  
And then he broke down, and all I heard was the dimmed sound of my parents crying, until eventually I fall asleep.

**Isaac**

"Kate?" I pick up the phone when I see her on caller ID.  
"Isaac, it's time. The baby is coming; me and my mom are on our way to the hospital." I leap out of bed and down the hallway to my parent's room.  
"Okay, I'm on my way. I love you." She hangs up and I open the door to my parents' bedroom.  
"Mom, dad, Kate went into labor, they're on the way to the hospital, we have to go." My mom gets up and runs over to the dresser.  
"Are you coming Tom?" My mom asks my dad. He nods and joins her, trying to find something to wear.  
"Of course I am, she's my granddaughter." I smile and rush them out of the room. My dad takes my arm and guides me into the car and we drive away, towards the hospital and Kate.

"Hi, were looking for Kate Hemmings? She is having a baby?" The receptionist types quickly into her computer.  
"Are you family?" She asks my mom.  
"Yes, I'm the father." I say before my mom had a chance. She gives us direction and we rush down the hallways towards Kate's room. When we arrive, Kate's mom runs towards us and hugs me.  
"You ready?" I nod.  
"Hey babe" Kate says when I'm sitting down on her bed. I reach down and find her lips.  
"How are you doing?" I ask her.  
"I'm okay; the contractions are a few minutes apart." She stops there, and I hear her moan.  
"Mom!" I hear shuffling and then her mom is taking my place next to her.  
"It's okay, it's okay." I'm guessing I just experienced a contraction.  
"Their getting closer apart, it'll be soon." Her mom says,  
"Do you want me to go find a doctor?" My mom asks and Kate's mom agrees.

When my mom comes back into the room, she's quiet. The doctor asks me to step away so he can examine Kate, and then my mom pulls me outside.  
"What is it? Is there something wrong with Kate."  
"No no, um Isaac" She sighs.  
"Mom!"  
"Okay, when I went to get the doctor, I heard the doctors talking, and then I saw Hazel. She was getting rushed away on the stretcher. I caught her parents, it doesn't look good Isaac."  
"SHIT" I yell, at which point I hear Kate scream.  
"I can't just leave Kate! But I can't, I can't not be with her."  
"Sweetie, I know you'll figure out the right thing to do. I trust you." I push back into Kate's room and she screams for me.  
"I'm here; I'm here, it's okay."

It was definitely not okay. What was I going to do?

**Hazel**

Over the years, I've felt pain. Terrible pain that most people will probably never have to experience, but the pain I'm in now, as I'm rushes down the hallways of the hospital, is unexplainable. I've never experienced anything like this is my life. It feels as if my body is caving in on itself, slowing crushing my organs, and bones, until there's nothing left. I scream, and hold my head between my knees, tears flowing steadily. My mom grabs my hand.  
"Honey, hold on, please. It's going to be fine." I squeeze her hand so hard I'm surprised she's keeping quiet.  
"It hurts!" I sob and I see my mom break down into tears.  
"I'm so sorry honey; I hoped I would never have to see you in pain, all I ever wanted was for you to be healthy. I'm so so sorry." I'm rolled onto a bed in the ICU, an oxygen mask is pressed to my face and soon, the meds start working, easing the pain.  
"Hazel, these meds are going to make you go to sleep for a bit, okay?" I nod.  
"Can you count back from ten with me please?" I nod and start conting.  
"Ten…Nine…Eight…se….ven…si..x…"  
Five  
Four  
Three  
Two  
One


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

**Isaac**

Things with the baby are moving forward quickly, so I stay with Kate, and then I'll go be with Hazel. Right now I refuse to think that she is going to die. She will be fine, I'll go to her room with my baby and we'll laugh and everything.  
"Push Kate, push!" Kate's mom yells and brings me back to reality. Kate is gripping my hand and screaming profanities.  
"Come on honey, you can do it!" I say, rubbing little circles on the back of her hand. She takes a break from pushing and starts breathing heavily.  
"Do you want water?" Her mom asks. She agrees and I hear her slurp from a straw.  
"Isaac?" She says quietly.  
"Ya?"  
"What were you and you mom talking about earlier? I heard you yell." I sigh and put my head in my hands.  
"Kate…I…You don't need to worry about it ok? Just focus on delivering our baby right now." I say sighing.  
"Isaac." She runs her hand along my cheek and rests it on my neck. "What is it?"  
"It's Hazel. She's, she's here. It could be tonight." I hear her take in a breath and her hand leaves my neck.  
"No." I nod.  
"Isaac, honey, I know you want to be here and I want you to be here, but one of us needs to be with her." I shake my head  
"No. I'm staying, she won't die. She won't. I'm staying with you then going to see her after." She starts to cry and then she stars pushing again.  
"Isaac" She chokes out. "I hope…You're making….The right…Decision."

** Hazel**

I jolt awake. My parents are dozing in the molded plastic chairs against the wall,and my heart monitor is =beeping, slower than usually. I have like a billion tubes stuck in me and my head is spinning. I look down at my hands and notice the tips are turning blue.  
"Mom? Dad?" I whisper, falling back onto my array of pillows. They wake up and rush over to me.  
"Sweetie! Hi! We've missed you." They kiss me on the cheek and give me fierce hugs, which hurts a bit but I'm not going to complain.  
"Mom, my hands." She takes them and gasps.  
"Michael get the doctor!" My dad runs out of the room. I look down and see that now the majority of my fingers are blue, the feeling slowly leaving them. I draw in a breath and cough. Suddenly there's not enough air. I gasp and pull in all the oxygen I can, which isn't much.  
My dad runs back into the room with a doctor I don't recognize and also Dr. Maria.  
"Hazel, I need you to take in big deep breaths for me, okay?" Dr. Maria asks. I nod vaguely and try my best to do what she says. She starts riffling through a drawer beside my bed, and then finds what she's looking for and sticks me with a needle.  
"Hazel, did that make it easier?" She asks after about a minute. I gasp in more air, frantically shaking my head. I look up towards my parents and they're in each other's embrace, crying, just sobbing. They each take one of my hands. I vaguely notice Dr. Maria shaking her head at them. I try to smile.  
"Mom…dad…" I talk the best I can, taking breaths after each word. "Thank…You…I'm…Sorry…That I…Can't stay…I'll miss…miss…you…I love you so so much." They sob and lie over me. "Tell…Isaac…He's…The best…Friend…That…I…Love…Him…Kate…as well." I take a deep breath. "Tell them congratulations, when they're daughter is born, and tell them that I wish I could of met her." They nod  
"We love you Hazel, more than anything. We will never, ever stop missing you, we are so lucky to have had these seventeen years with you, and we will never be the same. Sleep peacefully my baby girl." They kiss me on the forehead and just hold my hands, the tears endless.  
I close my eyes for just a second and when I open them again, I see Augustus standing at the foot of my bed, smiling.  
"Hello Hazel Grace. I've missed you." He comes over to the side of my bed and reaches out his hand. I take it, and he pulls me into his embrace.

In the end, I don't wish that the cancer thing had never happened. Without it, I wouldn't have met Augustus Waters, or gone to Amsterdam or had an amazing friend like Isaac. There are so many things that wouldn't have happened with my cancer, and part of me will always miss my parents, and wonder what their lives will be like without me, but for now, I accept the fact that I am no longer suffering from personhood. I'm not in pain anymore, I no longer have the oxygen tank, or the cannula in my nose. My marathon is finally complete.

** Isaac**

Our baby is born. I sit beside Kate on her bed and she puts my hand on top of our daughters, and I just hold her little fingers, wishing that I could see her, and see Kate. I lean over and kiss Kate, and she laughs.  
"Isaac, as much as I'd like you to stay with me right now, you need to go see her. Okay?" I nod "Keep me updated. I love you. Tell Hazel that I love her and I'm so happy to be her friend and that I want so much to be with her right now." I nod and kiss her once more before leaving with my mom to see Hazel.

We get to her room and I knock on the door.  
"Isaac, hi." I can hear the pain in her father's voice.  
"Mr. Lancaster, I came to see-"my mother pulls me into an embrace, stopping me short, her body shaking.  
"Mom?"  
"Isaac, I'm sorry." I hear her dad, his voice not breaking so much as already broken.  
"What are you talking about? What's going on?" My mom pulls me towards what I assume is her bed.  
"No. She's not…She can't…No I came to see her…I…I have to say goodbye!" I say, my heart leaping into my throat.  
"I happened a little under an hour ago. She had to let go. But I have to believe that wherever she is now, she's happy. Happier than she was before." I sink to my knees. This wasn't happening. She is not dead.  
"Did, did she say anything ab-"  
"She told us, to tell you that. That um. That you were the best friend she ever had and that she loved you, and she loves Kate too. She told me to tell you congratulations, and that um…That She wished…That she…That she could've met her." And then her mom broke down.  
"Where is she?" My mom takes my arm and moves me even more forwards than places a cold hand in mine. I turn and sit on the edge of her bed.  
"Hazel. I'm so, so sorry that I wasn't here with you. I wish more than anything, that I could've said goodbye, but I was too late and I can't go back, so I have to say it now. I love you, you made Gus's death easier, and you gave me a friend even though I lost him. I can't believe you're both gone, my best friends. I hope wherever you are, you two are together. I will never forget you, never." And then I just fall into my mother's arms and feel the pain wash over me. I don't know what happens, but I end up back in Kate's room, a little while later.  
"Kate." I say. "She's…"  
"I know." I hear her voice tinged with tears.  
"Isaac I know what I want to name our baby." She chokes out, and I sit down with her reaching for her hand.  
"We need to name her Grace." My voice catches in my throat, and she stars crying again.  
"I…I think that's beautiful." I clench my fist. "It's so unfair! Why did this have to happen! Why did, why did she have to leave." Kate squeezes my hand.  
"Isaac, last year, I can't even imagine what you two went through, losing Gus. But I know that you two had each other, and I'm so so sorry that you had to lose her too. I'm so so sorry Isaac." I nod, and we just sit there, silently grieving, listening to the tiny sounds of Grace's even, sleepy breaths. There is really nothing left to say, there is nothing left to do but remember.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

**Isaac**

And so the days dragged on without Hazel. Kate and Grace got settled in at home and I've been with them every day, although I'm never completely there. I still can't believe it. I lost my two best friends in the space of one year. I guess there is always someone who gets left behind isn't there. Anyways, I have to be strong for Kate and for Grace, and of course I'm trying to be happy because of the baby, which I am but sadness always trumps happiness when all of your encounters are with dying people.

Hazel's mom called me three days AH to tell me that her funeral would be on Sunday, which is today. I prepared a eulogy, hopefully she'll like it.

Me, my parents, Grace, Kate and her parents, sit together in the third row of the little church where her funeral is being held. After we pay our respects at her grave, like I did for Gus a little over a year ago, the Priest starts with the usual funeral stuff. I'm not really listening. Then Kaitlyn, one of Hazel's pre-sickness friends, got up and gave a speech, barely keeping herself together. Then it was Kate's turn.  
"I haven't known Hazel long. Just a year, or a little less, but in the time that I got to know her, I came to love her. Hazel told us a few weeks ago that she didn't want a bunch of bullshit speeches at her funeral, so I'm going to be honest. Hazel understood. She understood that we as cancer kids don't matter. And that the world doesn't give a damn about us, that the world just wants to be noticed and that when that to live a meaningful life you don't need to save the world, or climb a mountain or discover a new species. Our lives are measured in the people we touch. And Hazel, while she didn't have hundreds of admires running after her, she had an amazing handful of people who love her, deeply and truly, and will continue to hold her in their hearts forever. Hazel is heroic, and she'll be remembered, she'll be remembered by all of us." She comes back down and sits beside me, and drops her head onto my shoulder and cries. I squeeze her hand.  
"Now we are going to hear a few words from Hazel's best friend Isaac." My mom gets up with me and leads me to the front of the room then goes to sit back down.  
"Okay, um, hi. About a year ago, I lost a friend that meant a lot to me. We stuck my each other's side throughout our treatments and everything, and his name was Augustus Waters. One day a year and a half ago, I decided that I would bring Augustus to cancer support group with me, and that's where Hazel and him met. They fell in love, and I've never seen a love so true, but so sad, and when Hazel called me to tell me he was gone, everything in me collapsed. But a part of me was thinking, they loved each other so much, she's going to be broken beyond repair without him. But she was strong, and she accepted that he was gone and there was nothing she could do about it, but of course it still hurt. Augustus Waters believed in "Capital-S Something" And all I hope now that they're both gone, that they can be reunited once again. Hazel was intelligent, true and an amazing friend that I learned awesome lessons from. Hazel was important, and she will be missed forever." MY mom comes back up to get me and some songs are played in her honour. A couple of sad songs by the Hectic Glow. Then when the ceremony is almost over, Hazel's mom gets up and starts talking.  
"I know before Isaac was talking about Hazel and Gus, and um before Gus died he wrote a beautiful eulogy for Hazel, and um, Hazel was very insistent that I read it at her funeral, I think she always hoped that Augustus would be the one eulogizing her, not the other way around, so I'm going to read it for him.  
"'Here's the thing about Hazel: Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That's what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease.

I want to leave a mark.

But the marks humans leave are too often scars. You build a hideous minimal or start a coup or try to become a rock star and you think, they'll remember me now, but (a) they don't remember you, and (b) all you leave behind are more scars. Your coup becomes a dictatorship. Your minimal becomes a lesion.

Hazel is different. She walks lightly. She walks lightly upon the earth. Hazel knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we're not likely to do either.

People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it's not sad, it's triumphant. It's heroic. Isn't that the real heroism? Like the doctors say: First, do no harm.

The real heroes anyways aren't the people doing things; the real heroes are the people noticing things, paying attention.

After my PET scan lit up, I snuck into the ICU and saw her while she was unconscious. I just walked in behind a nurse with a badge and I got to sit next to her for like ten minutes before I got caught. I really thought she was going to die before I could tell her that I was going to die, too. It was brutal: The incessant mechanized haranguing of intensive care. She had this dark cancer water dripping out of her chest. Eyes closed. Intubated. But her hand was still her hand, still warm and her nails painted this almost black dark blue and I just held her hand and tried to imagine the world without us and for about one second I was a good enough person to hope she dies so she would never know that I was going, too. But then I wanted more time so we could fall in love. I got my wish, I suppose I left my scar.

What else? She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her. You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she liked hers."'

"She did, Hazel liked her choices."

The end


End file.
